SHEILA and the City ;-)

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Update

Maybe no one ever comes here anymore. Maybe people who never read my posts stumble across it. Maybe you were an avid reader of my ramblings once, at some point, months ago, ages maybe. If so, you might wonder what did happen with me and Latte Guy. Well... As movie-like as it all was, it had no movie ending. Four weeks ago I did admit defeat. I told him I couldn't take it anymore. Turned out, he already kind of "wasn't taking" it for quite a bit longer. (Yeah, nice sentence woman.)

Anyways. He came over. Spent the night. We laughed, cried, made love (of course) in no particular order, over and over again. Noon Boxing Day he left. Bye bye, sweet lover, bye bye...

This week was the toughest so far. Been crying every day, except for yesterday (when I rolled into bed nine-ish and slept for twelve hours). Late this afternoon, after spending quite some time in town, I went to see a 'friend' to cancel on our appointment at 5. I left within half an hour. I couldn't cope anymore. Postponed the downfall by going to the supermarket. At home I pretty much collapsed.

Afterwards I re-read our one-before-last chat session. He so does NOT want to share his life with me. You'd wonder why I care so much. I feel like I've kind of given up. Everything's covered in dust. A layer of grey. Why is love such an important part in one's life? If only I could forget about wanting to love and be loved. Forget about the joyous wonders of making love. Of hugging and sharing and supporting each other and laughter and surprising the other and caring and caressing and all those things you only share with that significant other. How could I forget? I'm so done with the land of pining. Am so through being unwanted by someone chasing me at the same time. Please, PLEASE bugger of out of my life if you're not free to commit, unwilling to, unable to, whatever. If I let myself get hurt once again, I won't ever be able to give my heart away again. I'm feeling uncomfortably close to that shithole as it is. I don't want to reside in that nasty place. I refuse. Although there's an awful big part of me secretly convinced all roads lead just there. I'm kind of lost, yet heading in the wrong direction at the same time. And rambling. And AGAIN saying goodbye to someone I love. I'd almost rather not love again. The hurt is plain agony.

If none of the above makes sense, sobeit. I'm not in the mood to read what I just wrote. I'm feeling lost and I'm afraid I will not get to that point of simply being happy again (knowing but not feeling that I must and surely will, coz that's what people do). It feels like this was just one Big Hurting Bit too far. Life's perfect as long as you don't care for people that can't reciprocate. Just don't, I repeat, do not fall in love. Saving it for someone who loves you is a dirty trick that won't work. Don't fall for it. I did. I know it's a load of BS. I've fallen for it twice. Starbucks Man travelled the world to be with me, twice. He's doing whatever in the Big Apple right now. Latte Guy has done his bit to prove his feelings for me. It doesn't make a difference, not a tiny weenie bit. They run off the moment you let your guards down. If you're lucky, they only do that in my world. Yeah, you go off and be lucky. I'm still mourning. I'll let you know when I'm high as a kite again. Fuck, how long will that be??

If this is the most depressing bit I ever wrote, cheer and chorus 'hurray'. Coz it would very well be possible I'm on the lowest of the low. From there on onwards, it could only go up, right. Maybe down to 'I will not say I love you if I don't want to share my life with you'-lane. Or 'love don't live here anymore but you're darn welcome kiddo' ville.

Right, I've taken it a bit too far, to the well known famous point of 'can't take myself serious anymore, har har, you silly girl'. I'll be fine. I'm just not right now. I'll be back, bla bla. Talk to you then. Bubbye.

posted by Sheila Saturday, January 21, 2006
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