SHEILA and the City ;-)

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Ugh

Just finished reading this book. Hng. Totally depressing. Great, just what I needed, some fuckin' book to kick me straight back to misery land, disasterville, you name it. Won't have any of it. Gonna bring/take out the garbage. Seems like a very good thing to do, c'mon, you know, kindergarten psychology, stamp of approval by irish mums, yada yada. Shite. Fuckin' book. NO, I'm not depressed now, I'm in a foul mood. Beware, I might bite! Oh fuck, "whatever", I'm gonna put on some shoes. Hope I won't bump into this frigging stalker (I'm afraid now I've mentioned it, I will). Another BEEP. Er... And I've still got at least ONE e-mail to write.

Hm. Feel like erasing the above. Will I? No. Or - never mind. Gotta run, don't want to go to bed too late. T'morrow another lurrrvely day at the oval office.

Sorry for writing in this bad mood. I'm feeling better already, really. Just got pissed off for a mo. Now I'm good. Honest to whomever. Just needed to get it off my chest. Now it's done. Aaaah.... (sigh of relief). That's better. Sleep tight, my beloved ones.

posted by Sheila Monday, April 26, 2004
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"Kattebelletje"

Vond er een bij het opruimen gisteren. Is het een gedicht, of komt het uit een nummer? Volgens mij 't laatste. Geen zin om te googelen. Komt-ie (oef, shit, schrik. Dat doet me heel ergens anders aan denken, grmbl):

ik schrijf je naam op de beslagen ramen
en ik weet ik zal je nooit meer zien
L.Nijgh

posted by Sheila Sunday, April 25, 2004
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10 am

My morning shake is ready for consumption, my coffee only needs plunjering (love to put it that way) and my work's occupied by my cat. He's sitting on top of it. Well.

There are so many e-mails, phonecalls, letters and cards on my things-to-do list, it's suffocating. I know I should be grateful to be having so many people around me (I AM!), but sometimes it's hard to keep up. Especially when you're away during the evenings (went to a play wednesday in Nieuwe de la Mar) or doing other things (like watching the vid of 'Pirates of the Caribbean', which I did last night).

It's simply too busy at work to be writing or calling privately. Being that busy at work, sitting behind the screen all day, hanging on the phone, so makes me not wanna see a phone nor screen during the evenings. And now my hands are back in fucked-up land, it kind of seals the deal: I'm falling behind on my non f-2-f communication. RAAGH.

Now I haven't even mentioned visiting family and friends not living in this town. Well, not like my family ever gets here (two of them once or twice a year), but hey, that's what phones are for. And cards. I know. Sigh. Truth of the matter is, I've only got one mum, and only one brother, and I don't want to regret later on I never got to see them, coz I'm v. fond of them.

Ew, 10 past 10! Got some work to do! (Actually feeling guilty I'm not starting on all those e-mails, but I have to WORK!)

posted by Sheila Friday, April 23, 2004
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Dutch in 1923

They've found a unique copy of a movie made in 1922, starring Rudolph Valentino and Gloria Swanson. According to a Dutch paper, the advertisement back then (why am I writing this in English, it's a Dutch text I'm gonna copy) was as follows:

„De geschiedenis van een jong weeldeziek vrouwtje, om het geld met een ouden man gehuwd, die op haar huwelijksreis den waren Jozef ontmoet doch door traditie en plichtsbesef steeds voor den beslissenden misstap terugdeinst. Tot ten slotte het onafwendbare filmnoodlot uitkomst brengt.”

posted by Sheila Saturday, April 17, 2004
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Yihaa!

Man, next winter I really should get some medication. A third winter depression (first was real, second a set-back) might be the end of me, and definitely of you people (had my first complaint about my constant moodiness today, haha). Okay.

Anyway: I've been working for three weeks in a row, during weekends and most evenings as well. That does NOT help. Second, work didn't go as I hoped (bloody contract!), but it's finally been taken care of last week, so that work bit should improve now and not take up as much energy anymore. Third: the sun is finally getting out again. I never needed any sun, used to hide in my room or at least the outdoor shadow, yet NZ kind of gave me this weird virus. It makes you wanna have sun and lots, lots of fresh air.

Maybe I should point out I'm not pining over Starbucks Man anymore, it seems that's STILL not very clear. My G., you would've been allowed to push me off a cliff (there aren't any here, haha) if I still was. Trust me, I did the whole Oprah Closure thing last september, and it worked the full 100%.

Only met up with someone else there, d'oh, how foolish can you get. Well, this was an extra special tricky one; we were just friends. Only to discover down the road (some time later) we somehow had started really, really liking each other. OOPS. When did that happen? That was not as planned. That was not even remotely a possibility. So off you go, no more being friends (ouch!), and definitely not a future couple. Bloody fate? Well, if it were fate, why did we meet in the first place? I don't believe in fate. I think. Er... I dunno.

To sum things up, it's not every day you meet someone that knows to push all the right buttons. So the least one can do, is to fucking allow me to not be so happy every now and then. To be sad a bit, when it all comes back to mind. I've met a GREAT person, and I had to let go. That hurts. Geez, I never meant to start liking someone again in the first place. So stuff it if you think I'm complaining too often. Coz I'm really, really trying my best and I think I'm doing well.

Like this afternoon, I DID go and face my demons. A risk of meeting that cutie. I did go, I did NOT look around, I left when the show was over, and I did feel quite okay. So I'm getting there. Just lay off when I've got a minor set-back. I don't like those any more than you do.

Did I learn any of this? Yeah, like I told you before, and like I hinted it thru Elvis. I thought I could live without romance, now I know I can't. I thought I preferred life being single. Now I know I wouldn't mind a significant other. That's something. So now, you folks, sit back, grab a beer, and enjoy your evening, whatever it is you're gonna do. I'm gonna go to Veem and see some show called 'Lost', and Solbakken will be playing as well (part of the whole show).

Hey, that felt good, throwing it all out, you go girl!

Actually, I really have come to realize I might not do winters very well, so I'm gonna give it some good thought how to do things next winter. I might have been a bit tongue in cheek there, but I really have had a bad period of about eight months year before last, and I do think last winter was kind of a set-back. Maybe it's a two step forward one step back kind of thing. Anyway. I will be alright, I'm sure. Like the ozzies and kiwi's say: "No worries, mate!" Yeah, don't you just love that one? ;-)

Tomorrow I will tell you some more. Coz I've seen a great movie!

posted by Sheila Thursday, April 15, 2004
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MADRUGADA – Majesty


So am I
Good or bad
The way that things did turn out
I did only make you sad

And we cried and we cried
On the phone
Oh but in my mind
You were never that all alone

Oh you were majesty
Your roads were heavy
And your longing was a cut from bone

So am I
Am I good or bad
Could only awake your anger
I could only make you mad
Now was that how you showed me
That you were still so young and bold
Anyway those fights did drive me
And I was dying of thirst and I wasn`t growin` old

Oh you were majesty
Your ropes were heavy
And your roads were very cold
Oh, oh, oh majesty

But in my mind
I could still climb inside your bed
And I could be victorious
Still the only man to pass to the glorious arch of your head, o-oh

Oh you were majesty
Your ropes were heavy
And your cheeks were very red

Oh you were majesty
And it`s like I said
That spirit, is now dead

posted by Sheila Wednesday, April 14, 2004
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Yeah, right

How come they say chocolate makes you feel better? I ate a snickers as a starter, then loads of bread (actually, not too bad, really, only 5 slices), then 4 snickers for dessert. And I don't feel any better (fatter, yeah). I feel even worse than two hours ago.

Maybe it's simply because the whole shebang's finally getting thru my skull: the one thing I would so love to be, have, share, ain't gonna happen. Could anyone please warm up this Cold Turkey? Ha. Ha. (Cynical laughter.) To once again quote this book: "time wounds all heals". I don't even think it's funny to say it this way. Why would I even quote it, let alone twice? Geez.

Work went well though, today. Mark called, invited me over for a premiere of this documentary tonight, at 10. He called at a not so convenient time, I'm afraid I was a bit blunt, definitely didn't react delighted whatsoever, oops (not like he asked if it was a convenient time to be calling, but, oh well). Sent him a message (sms) maybe 20 minutes ago - right after the movie started, real clever, Sheila (not very much so).

Anyway, I was sitting behind our art director's mac, shortening texts for our horoscope (they don't come straight out of one's thumb, we've actually got this woman who breathes and probably even sweats astrology). Tomorrow one more spread (on my way home on the train I've browsed the stuff I've collected during the past few weeks, so I know where to start in the morning). Read some more layouts. Almost wrote down we should make the deadline, but let's not get too enthousiastic here. There's quite a lot to be done for those last two pages, so fingers crossed, thumbs up, yada yada, whatever, etc.

Oh. Could someone please change this record that's repeating itself over and over and over and over and over again in my head? There's no point in saying any of this. Tough luck. I'm gonna. No, I'm not.

Geez, gonna need another Nurofen before I go to bed.

I wish I had given a ring, made out of my hair.
It probably wouldn't have made a difference.

Fuck, my head is killing me.

posted by Sheila Tuesday, April 13, 2004
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Quote Unquote Lysistrata

"Zo wordt de persvoorlichtster achterlangs genomen door de journalist van Al-Jazeera, terwijl hij met zijn laptop op haar rug snel nog even een stukje typt. Van die dingen."

V. funny :-)

posted by Sheila Tuesday, April 13, 2004
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Hey, it's Marco

ik kan je niet laten gaan
al zeg ik dat 't beter is
alleen en zonder jou
ik kan 't gewoon niet aan
ik mis je armen om me heen
nee, ik leef niet in een wereld
zonder jou


Mystery of one's mind: how do songs end up in your head? This time I know: it was on MTV tonight. Same eve they aired Gem @ fret-a-live. Both Dutch, quite different. For the non-Dutch: Header Boy's the one singing the above. And now it got stuck. Great. Just my luck. I'm a fuckin' broken record.

Anyway, it's almost 11pm, I've finished my translation at 3.30pm, got at our Sunday Spot a few minutes before four (well done, babe), Ilona got there at 4.10 (can't blame her, on sundays I often arrive a bit late as well). Back home at 6.15 (coz I walked home, Raymond in my ear - which is: on the phone).

Supposedly ready to start work after eating some, but I was knackered, and my hands hurt a lot (carpal tunnel syndrom - working behind the screen for 13 days in a row doesn't particularly help matters much). So I tried to call my colleague (EASTERN SUNDAY EVE!) who - you can't blame her- didn't pick up. I left a message on her cell after that, and asked her to text me, which she did. With some good news. Took an immediate rest after that. SO glad I've been able to postpone those mag pages, THANK G. (Mag's due for printer real soon now, she's our art director, so had to synchronize our schedules...).

Now I have to read the book I've done v. quickly, to see if there's any strange stuff in it. E-mail it, go to bed, crawl into... er, oops, wrong scenario. Blimey, I would LOVE for you to crawl "into my arms, oh lord, into my arms"...
Only those 7 enquiries to translate for London tomorrow, shouldn't take too long, will do it in the evening, take the whole day off. YEAH!!

Fuckin' A, I would LOVE to, simply LOVE to... oh well... can't say... Shite. Bugger. Never mind. WORK. 11.10pm. A few hours more. GO GIRL!

posted by Sheila Sunday, April 11, 2004
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MPH Lyrics

Hold me close, hold me tight
Make me thrill with delight
Let me know where I stand from the start
I want you, I need you, I love you
With all my heart

Ev’ry time that you’re near
All my cares disappear
Darling, you’re all that I’m living for
I want you, I need you, I love you
More and more

I thought I could live without romance
Until you came to me
But now I know that
I will go on loving you eternally

Won’t you please be my own?
Never leave me alone
’cause I die ev’ry time we’re apart
I want you, I need you, I love you
With all my heart

posted by Sheila Sunday, April 11, 2004
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Eastern 2004

Almost’ve come to the end of my current diary - a beautiful one, I must say. Very simple, linnen covers, hardcover though, loads of pages, etc. etc. I should’ve ‘completed’ it April 9th, for I started it January 9th. That would’ve been pretty cool. Anyway. Why am I telling this again? Can’t remember!

It’s Eastern and I’ve got LOADS to do. Yesterday I’ve translated 34 pages, I’m very proud. I should’ve done about 20 more though. Coz today I also have to write two pages for this mag I’m doing. Then I’ve got 7 enquiries to translate before Tuesday as well, probably an hour, maybe two. I want to finish the book (translation) and the mag (ugh, that’s gonna be tough). For I also want ONE day off, aaaaaaaagh… And I'm having a break from work at 4pm, coffee with Ilona at -what's the abb I used again? - Wallpaper Place (that'll do) (even better). Er, come to think of it, we haven't exactly decided where yet. Oops. Hope it'll be WP...

Yesterday I baked my first apple pie ever. And it was d.e.licious!

Actually I had loads more to tell - about this friend having marital probs and the food for though I'd like to give him/her, about the GREAT gifts Pieter got me for my birthday (I bought him dinner two days ago at Cor's place, he came to my house to drop off the goods first), about e-mails that need responding (Mike, Patrick, Simone, John W, John C,…), about dating sites, etc, and so on, and so forth, but it’s 11.22am, I’ve to plunjer my coffee and get back to WORK!

Happy Eastern My Lovely Bunnies Y’all!

posted by Sheila Sunday, April 11, 2004
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Short Story

Even though she didn't turn off the light until way after one the night before, she woke up a quarter past seven. She never woke up without an alarm clock. Not before nine, she didn't. Instead of jumping out of bed, and start working, she continued what she had been doing prior to her sleep. Read.

After she took a shower, fed the cat, got some to eat and poored loads of coffee in her NYC Knicks Jug, she sat down behind her formica kitchen table, which was trying its hardest to be a full grown desk. Her fingers quickly ran over the keys. Before her eyes, yesterday's paper appeared on screen.

Duplex.

For a moment her breath stopped midway to her lungs. Duplex. The circle of life. Wasn't it this particular movie that had been the start of it all? What would have happened, had she chosen to go see that movie, like she was asked to, that saturday evening, September 20th, New York City?

She couldn't help but wonder. It was hardly likely things would have turned out the way they had now. Had it really been seven months? It had. And then some. What would have been on her mind these days, every waking moment of life, had she not skipped that invite? She didn't know. She'd never find out.

posted by Sheila Friday, April 09, 2004
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Such Sweet Sorrow ;-)

It's ten to eleven. Almost. And I'm gonna open my last bottle of Heineken Tarwebok. I've been postponing it. It's time to say goodbye. Time to swallow the goodies.

Ugh, that's gross.
Lol.

posted by Sheila Tuesday, April 06, 2004
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Astrology.com Daily Horoscope

"Dear Sheila,
Here is your horoscope
for Wednesday, April 7:

By the time five o'clock rolls around, you'll be entirely ready for a little TLC. Leave that hint on someone's answering machine before you head home. Bet you won't have to make the call twice. "

Ha. Wanna bet?

posted by Sheila Tuesday, April 06, 2004
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Will Young?

Thinking about an apt header, "I made a stupid mistake" came to mind. I've sent a letter for the wrong job. How stupid can you get? Still, even writing this down, I can't stop grinning. I think it's quite funny.

Been working on quite a few editorial pages today. Good. Hopefully I'll be able to get a lot done tomorrow, and finish the more difficult ones before wednesday half 3, so our designers have enough time to work on those layouts.

Wednesday afternoon (like I said, 3.30pm), we're off to Scheveningen (it's a secret revealed to everyone by now) to see The Lion King. I read a critic's story about it this morning (a very, very cute guy gave me his password, so I get to read an online paper). Am curious, but still, I don't expect too much of it. Would've enjoyed watching it with the - oh well, nm.

Hm. IF I'm off to Scheveningen. You never know. Maybe my boss will be furious and send me home first thing tomorrow. His loss.

Am a bit down (what else is new, haha), I'll snap out of it at some point. Up and down. Yada yada. Next weekend another shitload of work, and the following weekend I'll probably have to go up north, but OH, I definitely DO need to take a break from work then as well, preferably in my own pescadory town (hey, I like that word). Geez.

On the other hand, work is very good right now, too. Keeps my mind of things. Actually considered doing some pages (translate) tonight. To distract myself. Ain't that serious? ;-) Anyway, finished work at 6.30, ate some (i.e. loads of bread), watched some tv (boulevard, a very old episode of friends, three's a crowd on bbc) and now I wanted to read some. Write some (diary, not here). I hate it when it's nine all of a sudden though. Always makes me feel like the night's come to an end and I might as well go to bed. Yet if I do that, this day's over and I'll find myself at work within an hour of waking up. Yikes!

It's not so bad, I mean, my colleagues are real nice, I DO love the mag I'm doing. If only they'd fuckin' pay me for it.

Ugh. I could think of several ways to spend the evening (and night) (and the next) (and those following). Unfortunately my rowing-boat's adrift at sea at the mo. I'll have to find a harbour and get ready for another sailing trip. Coz the boat's gone. (Yes, it's gone, I know there's a saying "I've missed the boat", it's not what I meant to say, coz for your knowledge, I didn't miss it, I've actually tailed it for quite a while.)

Btw, did I already tell you I've subscribed to A Meat Market? An internet dating thingy. So far no good. My spontaneous reaction to the first e-mail I got: "I'm not ready for this!" Luckily the reactions so far cannot be taken serious at all. So I've come to think of it as pastime. Already. And today, I've not even bothered to open my account. Most of the reactions I got made me wonder why on earth they'd show their interest. Don't they read my profile? Mind you, this was even worse before I uploaded my pic. Luckily that seemed to scare a lot of them away.

Oh well. I've chucked 'Rules' (Bret E.E.) for a mo, and started reading some chick lit last night. Good timing, coz it starts with one of the main character's 31st birthday. Let's shake hands.

posted by Sheila Monday, April 05, 2004
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Ugh

Only translated four pages so far... If this were msn, I'd say: :-$.
Gonna start on chapter 11 now. We don't use titles in our translations, which is just as well.
Coz this title goes straight to my heart (I'm such a drama queen ;-) Haha!).

CHAPTER ELEVEN (then loads of white space)
FROTHY CAPPUCCINO LATTE
LOW-FAT MOCHA ESPRESSO, PLEASE

Argherama. If I hadn't seen what's his face's face (i.e. the writer's) (he's got a pic on his website), I would yearn for his loving.
LOL.
Sorry.
Getting a bit annoying I guess :-D
Well, at least I'm laughing!

posted by Sheila Sunday, April 04, 2004
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HOLY Jesus, Mother of...!!!

OH. MY. GOD.

I have just sent that e-mail to my boss. He's so NOT gonna appreciate it. Fuck it, so what if they sack me? It's about time things change around here anyway.

Please tell me I did the right thing, and I will feel so much stronger when I go and face the music tuesday!

posted by Sheila Sunday, April 04, 2004
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"I could sleep... for a thousand years..."

Got two deadlines panting in my ears, and it's making me numb. I'm staring at some pic a friend of mine took while visiting Wellington (for work, that is). Same old, same old... I wish someone could shake me out of it, lend a helping hand. Bring a laptop and work in my proximity. I'd get motivated just because of that. Drink coffee. Complain. Sigh. Ask for spelling or synonyms. Etc.

Last nite I didn't go to bed until about 1.30am. That's okay if it's weekend, but I HAVE TO WORK today. I've got a shitload to do, and another shitload on top of that. I just wanna scream and run away. That job we discussed last thursday, suddenly seems quite appealing. I would have to stop translating books, true... But I could stop wasting energy on managing issues at my current job. I would probably still have to work during the weekends, yet, I dunno... It seems to me it would be different. Better.

I only went to bed that late coz I'd been writing an e-mail to my editor in chief, saying I'll give him one more week to come up with a decent contract (the one that started last dec 1st!), or I simply will stop coming in. Well, I do have a contract for one day a week, so I'll have to come that one day, only, I wouldn't come three (new contract would be for two days extra). The v., very big Q is now: dare I send it? I just don't know what else to do. I've been patient (WAY TOO patient), that didn't help matters anything. I've asked him several times about it. I've asked H&R about it. NOTHING. I'm in the 5th month of a 6month contract, and he still didn't come up with a proposal regarding my salary (...). Let alone a decent one.

The only "weapon" I've got, is to simply not show up anymore. Then they'll have big fun, coz the mag I'm doing (exactly, me, myself and I!) has got its deadline in two weeks. My colleague can take care of the comic part of it. If I don't do the editorial pages, they're fucked though. Coz the one girl that could chip in, the girl I wanted to have as a colleague, to help me do the mag, was still waiting for an offer herself, and accepted another project in the meantime. Well done, boss!

This is NOT the way I wanted it to go. How I want to play it. But if I wait around doing nothing one teeny weeny bit longer, I can't take myself seriously anymore (is that proper English??). If I don't take myself serious, who would?

Oh fuck. I'm so worried - how would they react??? Maybe I'll fuck up this working relation that was okay, for almost eight years. Well. It's their loss, I should say. I know. And it's not like I've been obnoxious, fuck, no. Still, sending that e-mail... AAAAAAAAAAAAGH. I'm not sure... But to NOT do anything, doesn't feel right anymore, either...

God, and now it's been 2pm. Shite, shite, triple shite. I have to WORK. And I DO have to send that letter... Hopefully they'll invite me for an interview.

Luckily I did get some good news today as well. My best male friend is moving to Amsterdam! Very big hugs and kisses to him :-D Starting June, we're gonna cruise the city... Two old spinsters on the roll!

posted by Sheila Sunday, April 04, 2004
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It's dark out

Although I once again got a shitty email this week, my mood's been pretty good. If you believe in feng shui and all, well, then it seems my new desk at work is way better (even though you wouldn't say so, looking at its centered position). Other than that, the sun being out and the nights being longer, definitely helps. Big time.

Anyway, just wanted to say I'm a bit tired, so I'm off to bed. Promise to tell most interesting stories tomorrow (not). Just got to see "it's all about love". M said he didn't want to see it, didn't hear, or read, much good about it. I dunno, I liked it. A don't-think-about-the-plot-just-enjoy-the-feel kind of movie.

Okay, it's been 11pm. I really should crawl under my duvet - loads of pages to write and edit tomorrow. And my deadline (translation!) is starting to breathe in my neck as well, oops.

Talking of which (work), I practically had a job interview after work at the gym (it's within the building). I heard myself saying "yeah, I'll mail a letter" - er, what did I say??? Er... okay. I guess. She was pretty cool though, said it might be freelance stuff as well. Finally writing for an adult target group then??? We shall see. This might be a good thing... It was interesting to see how this conversation developed.

If "they" don't give me my money (STILL waiting for that fuckin' contract, can you believe it??), I'm so gonna quit. I've been under paid and only put up with it coz it gave me the opportunity (and a reason to be precise) to do university, and travel (well, planned on doing that anyway). But now I want what I deserve: NORMAL pay. Unfortunately my editor in chief wasn't in today. BUGGER. Is he EVER gonna decide on ANYTHING? How come people get jobs as a manager, even though they truly hate every aspect of it? He should be the one quitting, he enjoys the editorial, creative stuff much, much more. And he's not shy about it.

Fuck, phone after 11?? Ah, it's G. Bye!

posted by Sheila Thursday, April 01, 2004
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