SHEILA and the City ;-)

Poem:

Even in the darkest places
the sun will rise.

posted by Sheila Monday, August 28, 2006
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Update

Maybe no one ever comes here anymore. Maybe people who never read my posts stumble across it. Maybe you were an avid reader of my ramblings once, at some point, months ago, ages maybe. If so, you might wonder what did happen with me and Latte Guy. Well... As movie-like as it all was, it had no movie ending. Four weeks ago I did admit defeat. I told him I couldn't take it anymore. Turned out, he already kind of "wasn't taking" it for quite a bit longer. (Yeah, nice sentence woman.)

Anyways. He came over. Spent the night. We laughed, cried, made love (of course) in no particular order, over and over again. Noon Boxing Day he left. Bye bye, sweet lover, bye bye...

This week was the toughest so far. Been crying every day, except for yesterday (when I rolled into bed nine-ish and slept for twelve hours). Late this afternoon, after spending quite some time in town, I went to see a 'friend' to cancel on our appointment at 5. I left within half an hour. I couldn't cope anymore. Postponed the downfall by going to the supermarket. At home I pretty much collapsed.

Afterwards I re-read our one-before-last chat session. He so does NOT want to share his life with me. You'd wonder why I care so much. I feel like I've kind of given up. Everything's covered in dust. A layer of grey. Why is love such an important part in one's life? If only I could forget about wanting to love and be loved. Forget about the joyous wonders of making love. Of hugging and sharing and supporting each other and laughter and surprising the other and caring and caressing and all those things you only share with that significant other. How could I forget? I'm so done with the land of pining. Am so through being unwanted by someone chasing me at the same time. Please, PLEASE bugger of out of my life if you're not free to commit, unwilling to, unable to, whatever. If I let myself get hurt once again, I won't ever be able to give my heart away again. I'm feeling uncomfortably close to that shithole as it is. I don't want to reside in that nasty place. I refuse. Although there's an awful big part of me secretly convinced all roads lead just there. I'm kind of lost, yet heading in the wrong direction at the same time. And rambling. And AGAIN saying goodbye to someone I love. I'd almost rather not love again. The hurt is plain agony.

If none of the above makes sense, sobeit. I'm not in the mood to read what I just wrote. I'm feeling lost and I'm afraid I will not get to that point of simply being happy again (knowing but not feeling that I must and surely will, coz that's what people do). It feels like this was just one Big Hurting Bit too far. Life's perfect as long as you don't care for people that can't reciprocate. Just don't, I repeat, do not fall in love. Saving it for someone who loves you is a dirty trick that won't work. Don't fall for it. I did. I know it's a load of BS. I've fallen for it twice. Starbucks Man travelled the world to be with me, twice. He's doing whatever in the Big Apple right now. Latte Guy has done his bit to prove his feelings for me. It doesn't make a difference, not a tiny weenie bit. They run off the moment you let your guards down. If you're lucky, they only do that in my world. Yeah, you go off and be lucky. I'm still mourning. I'll let you know when I'm high as a kite again. Fuck, how long will that be??

If this is the most depressing bit I ever wrote, cheer and chorus 'hurray'. Coz it would very well be possible I'm on the lowest of the low. From there on onwards, it could only go up, right. Maybe down to 'I will not say I love you if I don't want to share my life with you'-lane. Or 'love don't live here anymore but you're darn welcome kiddo' ville.

Right, I've taken it a bit too far, to the well known famous point of 'can't take myself serious anymore, har har, you silly girl'. I'll be fine. I'm just not right now. I'll be back, bla bla. Talk to you then. Bubbye.

posted by Sheila Saturday, January 21, 2006
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Because...

...I don't want to post this anywhere else, I'm posting it here. A friend of mine ordered me to read his copy of "he's just not that into you", which I bluntly refused at first, coz I had read a few pages of it when it hit the shops, and I didn't like their tone of voice. He specifically wanted me to read one certain chapter. Which is not exactly about my situation - the one I like was married at some point, before I got to know him, but hasn't been for a while now. The waiting bit was the bit he recognised though. And fuck, so did I.

So I'm gonna quote here, obviously all copyrights are Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo's. If you're not familiar with official quoting, let me explain this much: [..] means there were more words to it, but I skipped those. E.g. because I felt one example would do. I've not read anything else in the book, am not planning to either, but if you wanna read it, I'll give you its ISBN at the end.

"Here's why this one's hard - by Liz
Because it's you - not someone you read about [..]. It's you and it's hard. And you deserve happiness [..]. The operative word [..] here is 'wait'. You have to do the waiting - the biding your time, biting your tongue, keeping your needs quiet. He's so special, that guy. (They get cynical now, Sh.) He deserves to have you sit around, putting your life on hold, not getting what you want, while he takes his time sorting it all out. He's that special. You, of course, aren't at all.
Now, I happen to be really good at biding my time and asking for little and being happy with the even less that I get. [..] I hope, like me, you'll eventually just get tired of it. [..] Sometimes boredom just has to set in. You get bored with always having less than everybody else seems to have, less than what you want. You start thinking that maybe you actually deserve better, not because you learned to love yourself [..], but just because you got bored. Bored with the same type of mysery over and over and over again. That's what happened to me, I think. I hope it will be a lot faster for you."

In the "what you should have learned in this chapter"-bit (which so reminds me of some marketing book I once had to study) they add: "You are not easily forgotten. Let him find you when he's ready."

I know that bit. It's the bit that says 'set him free (the horse I think it was) and if he doesn't come back to you, he wasn't yours in the first place'. I don't believe that by the way. Well, the idea of it, yeah. But I think using this phrase is so-called smart people's way of pushing you just that tiny bit further, making you decide to quit. They hope (and think they know) you won't pine for long, you will forget, and you won't even want him to come back. So that's the solution. Just make sure that person will believe the horse'll come back, in order for them to dare to quit it all, coz once they've stopped waiting, they'll forget about the buggery horse within a heartbeat, realising there are other animals out there, way more interesting. It's like water, this psychology shit, you can see right thru. Even I used this reasoning with a friend of mine once. Actually, she did find a nice guy, after dumping the bloody bleedin' one. And she's pregnant with their second child now. Oh, well.

Anyways. He's not asking me to wait. Not at all. I'm not waiting, either. Am not, period. It just seems that way. And it sometimes even feels like it. But I'm not. I'm trying to enjoy the times we see each other. It's true though: boredom does sink in after a while. I don't have any hopes of us getting together, coz I think if you really fancy someone, you just want to be with that person, whether you've got peace of mind, or not. Yet I just can't stand the idea of not seeing him again.

The book says there are plenty of nice single men out there. I beg to differ. If there are, I simply don't meet them. And I so do NOT want to get back into the whole active dating scene again. Profiles on the internet, blind dates, ugh... It's terrible. So my choice is seeing the bloke I love like once or twice a month (if and when he's in the mood, obviously), or not seeing anyone remotely interesting at all. People that don't move me one bit, don't push a single button, don't even seem to realise there are buttons to be pushed (I'm not talking sex here). Hence the difficulty I have in deciding to call it quits. That, plus the fact I really like him. Once again though, it's true, boredom's definitely raising its ugly head stronger and stronger each week.

I admit I'm like everyone else, in thinking this guy's different. And I still do. Call me stupid, I don't care. Even though I know being honest about your feelings and stuff, is not an excuse to do whatever. But then again, I have a choice, too, so what do I complain about?

Never mind. My day will come. The day I'll wake up and realise I'm ready. Ready to tell him goodbye. I'm not willing to do it on 'brainy grounds' only. Especially not while he's still grinding my beans once in a while (haha, freely quoting John here). (And yes, that grinding remark was definitely about sex. Incredible sex, I might add.) And not while I'm still enjoying our hours together.

Wondering why I'm writing all this? To get it off my chest that I KNOW, I DO. I really know how it usually works, I'm not ignorant, I watch people, I listen, I read, I remember. And I know I might regret spending so many months 'with' him. I might not. It might turn out I just wasn't ready myself. Who knows? In the end, it doesn't matter what I do. If we'll end up being a couple, people will say "it's a good thing you let him sort things out first, a good thing you waited". If we end up never seeing each other again, people will say "told you so, what a shame you wasted all this time". In other words: I can't do it right in other people's eyes anyway. The only thing that matters to me, is ME. So I'll make my own mistakes, I'll take the risks I want to take, I make the choices I want to make. Along the road I might ponder about your opinion (usually only if I asked for it), weighing it, so to speak. I refuse to make a decision that doesn't feel right. And trust me, once I FEEL what I want to do, I'll do it. Right away. Whatever you might say, think, believe.

Well, bye again. You never know - I might get back and post some more. I might not. Life's like a bloody box of chocolates, yada yada... ;-) Bye, babes!

PS Its ISBN: 0-00-719821-3

posted by Sheila Monday, August 01, 2005
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Hmmm....

You know what. I might come back to Blog Land. Thinking about it. Quite funny, a few days ago, friend G called (who never told me exactly how he got this URL, but I think I figured out anyway), asked me how Latte Guy was doing. Weird. Is there even anyone who remembers who Starbucks Man was? Haha, I do, no worries.

Tonight this sugary movie Serendipity was on tv. It's funny. Okay, I've got a soft spot for John Cusack (naah, not the way I've got it for IRL people, d'oh). More imporantly: I got to see it back in 2001, at a cinema, on my own, afternoon, in Wellington, NZ. Coz Judy (a girl who stayed at the same hostel where I'd been sipping tea with beforementioned Starbucks Man) with her v. romantic mind thought I ought to see it. Gosh, that was a fun time.

I'd be having a fun time now, were it not for the fact I'm at home: fever. Geez. Today I felt a bit better, I so hope trying to stay awake this afternoon and evening will make me able to sleep tonight... Last four nights I was too hot (yet crawling under my duvet) and what was it with those legs? They just didn't wanny lie still.

Right, this is not yet my return to Blog Blog City. I just got carried away a bit. Oops.

John, save flight tomorrow (if you read this - why would you ;-) it'll be friday 15, so 'tomorrow' is just right. Teach Los Amerino Tweens 'n' Teens some actual football (let them call it soccer) ;-)

Bye loves. Mayby it'll reach you over the net, you never know. You feel something caress your cheeks or shoulder (depending on how close we are, you'd get a kiss or a hug) and that would be me, without you knowing it. Ain't that a beautiful thought? Sleep tight!

posted by Sheila Thursday, July 14, 2005
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Goodbye

Yeah. I might quit the world of blogging. Seems I've kind of lost it anyway, somewhere in February... March...? I think we can safely assume I've still got a huge crush on Latte Guy. Don't know when that crush'll end. Maybe it won't. Maybe it will. Don't know if I'll be in Blog Land to keep you posted. Don't know if you'd be there to read the update...

Feels weird at the same time though. Like I'm letting go of my blogbaby. It's wandering off. It doesn't drop by for coffee anymore. The job's done?

I might be back for a real and final goodbye. I might not be. By the way, while I'm at it: did you get to see Bin-Jip? And did you get to see Million Dollar Baby? Me and LG went to see it this afternoon. This girl (woman?) sitting a few chairs away. She wasn't sobbing near the end, she was CRYING. And turned to us for some TLC after the movie ended. It had hit her -smack!- in the face. Declared later on, she'd change her life. Wow. I hope she'll work things out, she must have some issues.

Anyways, I am glad LG could come with me. It was very cool to hang around with him again. Crush is herewith confirmed.

time 9.08pm - when did THAT happen?!?
mood - strange. Okay. My bod seems to fall apart though.
don't remember 3rd thing to mention
i'm gonna get a coffee, haven't had one tonight
had one this afternoon though :-)
yeah, a latte to go with Latte Guy. What else? ;-)
Gosh don't I sound terrible! I know. Hey, an uplifting end of this blog. Stop while you're smiling, you get the idea. LOL. No worries, things will probably continue being the usual. Down, okay, high as a kite. Life!
Right, last thing: Eastwood rocks...

posted by Sheila Monday, April 18, 2005
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Cold!

There's a saying, don't know the English equivalent, stating that April does as it pleases. Bugger, darn right it does. It's 6 degrees Celsius in my kitchen, 10 in my bedroom, and right now (12 candles burning) it's 13 in my living room. Anyone feeling cuddly tonight?

Got to see Bin-Jip yesterday, really nice movie. Guy reminded me of someone, didn't annoy me though. I loved they way they communicated. Silently. Smiles. And their kisses. Gosh, they made me wanna kiss, desperately. Latte Guy, where art thou? ;-)

Right, turned the gas heater back on, fucked the one in my study up, so am not gonna light that one (it's close to my bed room, so it would help). Now I'm gonna turn it up a few, and I think I'll watch the film Pi.

Today was cool, 12.30pm-4.20pm with my friend Ciaron, coffee session, followed by fresh mint tea. Mmmm... (Weird how that reminds of sex, I meant that tea).

Talking of food: ate two nice sandwiches and now I'm gonna get a coffee, sushi, crawl on the couch... Treated myself to 5 candy bars, had one before those sandwiches, four others are in the freezer (actually something Starbucks Man taught me). Tomorrow morning I'm gonna go for a long run, over 16km. Cool! REALLY hoping it will stop raining (been raining non stop for two days at least now).

Did I tell ya I got a new job??? :-D

time - 6.45 pm
mood - lazy :-)

posted by Sheila Saturday, April 09, 2005
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Defeat?

Well, it feels like I'm failing. I finished this major translation today, sent it around 4.20pm. That's always a relief. It's gona, it's away, it's finished. I mean gone, not gona.

Planned on starting on New Important Assignment after my run - I really needed to get out of the house. Last time outside: friday morning, to go and see the new animated movie ROBOTS (which... well, don't wanna spoil it for you). Actually, had some coffee afterwards and a quick visit at Media M., guess I was home around er... 1.30? Ugh, visit to.

Oh, forgetting I got some food shopping done around six that day and around five on saturday. Hm. Forgetting about those two makes it all the more clear they did not make an impression whatsoever. The sun was out today. The weather seemed to breathe SPRING. Which will start tomorrow, yay!! Anyways, I'm boring you, the story kind of proofs my point: I'm not up to working even a tiny bit more. My brains won't cooperate. WHERE WAS I?

Right, went for an 80 minutes non-stop run. Didn't run fast, about 12 or 13 kilometers methinks. Only an average HR of 157, usually I train on 165 - which is based on my training zones. It was lovely weather though, and it felt good. Did loads of laundry. Interesting huh? Boooooooooooooooooooring.

Yeah, well, only wanted to say how awkward I feel for not having started on my second assignment. I made tomorrow's deadline. This one is very important though. If I do this right... It might mean a lot of cool work! Hence the pressure.

Now, well, as you can tell by the way I'm delivering this story (which not even IS a story, merely a few details about me feeling guilty for not having the bollocks to work some more now), I'm tired (saying that makes me feel stupid). I'm gonna get the last load (4th??) of laundry out of the machine, and crawl in my bed - clean linen, and a mattress that I turned earlier today, so it will be nice and like "forest floor"!

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

time 11.05pm
mood - romantic (what good it does at this mo, beats me!)
what's the 3rd thing I always describe? can't remember
i'm off to bed. ciao ciao don't let the kitten meow (?!)

posted by Sheila Sunday, March 20, 2005
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Weird

What's going on? This doesn't make any sense! I've seen him friday morning! Why the feeling in my stomach? Strange as it is: I miss Latte Guy.

time 10.29am (up at 9.20)
mood - wondering, longing for a few days of sleeping in. Hmm, perhaps incl cuddles and dvd's ;-). And/or a good book for leisuretime reading

posted by Sheila Sunday, March 20, 2005
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